Crazy Thoughts That Come to me When I have to Wake up at 4:30am Everyday.

The other day I was discussing a Survivorman type show with a friend. The difference would be that it would not teach the viewer how to survive in the wild but instead teach them how to survive the streets of the concrete jungle. I thought it would make for a few short humorous YouTube clips if it was filmed to mock the Survivorman show. It quickly turned in to a list of 10 things a bum in the city needs to do in order to survive. Neither of us knows how to survive as a homeless person but working in the Nation’s Capitol there are plenty of examples. So here are the 10 things to think about if you find yourself homeless on the streets of a major city.

1) Stay away from Meth Heads – this is important because if you are a homeless person you probably don’t have much as it is but Meth Heads will take what you do have of value. Meth heads are nuts so it’s best to stay far away from them. If you are a homeless Meth Head this point may still be valuable because you don’t want to share your score.

2) Stay away from bodies of water – this includes water that is flowing through gutters too. Unlike in the wild where the water may be clean(er) in the city it is dirty. Now some of you may be asking, “How do I clean myself?” That’s easy this point only pertains to drinking the water. If you want to clean yourself you can do so in a river, lake, pond, stream, or reflecting pool. However I would be careful to watch out for the authorities so you do not get arrested, unless that is plan. (Side note: getting arrested could guarantee 3 hots and a cot indoors which might be nice on a cold night.) Although I would not recommend bathing in the Potomac or the Anacostia Rivers. I’m also sure rivers that run through other major cities are not places you want to take a bath.

3) Get a hat – this is important because you need something to use when pan handling to hold the money people give you. Other methods I have seen are Starbucks cups. The hat can also be used to keep the sun off of your face or to keep you warm in the winter months.

4) Suit Up – before I decided to focus on survival points for the homeless I was thinking you need a suit to survive in the city. Some restaurants require a jacket and tie to eat. However it still works for a homeless person because they might have a job interview and need to look nice. But definitely make sure you have clothes to wear. If you are running around with no clothes on people will think you are crazy and not want to give you money. Also see side note in point 2.

5) Get a knife – knives have many practical uses. The most important use would be self defense. You might still need to protect yourself from Meth Heads. But you may need it to cut up some kindling to start a fire in a barrel or gut a fish that your catch for dinner. The knife could also be used to cut your long pants into shorts in the summer.

6) Get some rope – rope is another useful tool like the knife. Rope provides a place to hang your clothes if they need to dry off. Rope can be used to build a make shift shelter. The knife can also be used to cut the rope.

7) Find Shelter – this one may depend on your pan handling earnings. If you get enough money to stay in a shelter then life is good. Other options are a tent or under an overpass. Don’t forget the rope either if you find a tarp you have the makings of a tent.

8) Seek warmth – If you are in a cold weather city find a warm coat for the winter months. However I recommend hitchhiking your way south and finding a warmer city to stay in. I read once that Las Vegas has an entire underground city where people live in a giant community. I imagine it to be like the Ninja Turtles hideout but bigger. Supposedly these people make their money from change tickets that people leave at slot machines.

9) Lose the suit Find some alcohol – I needed a tenth one after losing the suit. The alcohol will help you sleep on nights that you are outside. However don’t appear drunk when pan handling this will hurt your income. Also if you are trying to get into a shelter for the night they make you take a breathalyzer test.

10) Stake out your territory – when doing this you need to make sure you do not piss off any other homeless people. I would recommend finding the weakest link and then taking his/her area if you cannot find an unused place. Remember you can’t start out downtown you will need to work your way up to that. Some places that see a lot of foot traffic: near office buildings, metro stations, professional sports complexes, and city hall.

The Baron hopes none of you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to know any of these survival tips. I also don’t know if they would help you survive anywhere but I’m pretty sure they would. Also we've had a good laugh at the homeless' expense so to help one out take a donation to your local food bank or help out at a local shelter. Happy New Year!!!!